Ayahuasca is a plant from the Amazon rainforest that is used in spiritual ceremonies throughout the area and is known for its psychedelic, introspective effects. The purpose of these ceremonies is to cleanse oneself, both physically and emotionally. Despite knowing that part of the normal reaction is nausea and vomiting, Shiwen and I decided to try it out of curiosity. It is customary to do the ceremony in the evening, so it meant staying overnight in the jungle. Actually many people go for multiple day stays with consecutive ceremonies from 2 nights to many more, but that seemed too much (and too expensive) so we opted for a single night stay.
The experience #
We had found an offer by a family quite far down the Amazon river from Iquituos in Peru, they had great feedback and the price was on the lower end for retreats that one can find online. The environment was very good, essentially the quite isolated land where they live, basic but quite comfortable for jungle standards. From the beginning though we got a little irritated by some extra fees creeping in like having to pay the boat transport ourselves and commission on the online prepayment for reserving. That really made me feel very aware of the commercialization of these ceremonies, even if they acted very authentic as a family with long shaman tradition.
On arrival we had a relatively light lunch which was the last meal of the day. In total we were a group of 8, it was a good atmosphere, relaxed but nervous. Everyone else stayed for at least 2 nights. In the afternoon we got briefed by the only English-speaking shaman (there were 3 in total), urging us to set some thematic intent for things we would like to delve into during the trip. I hadn’t thought too much about this before, basically this was more of a adventure for me, unlike most of the others who had brought big serious topics, including confronting PTSD and childhood trauma. Well, after some thinking, I set my intent to confront some of my own weaknesses that negatively impact my life.
The ceremony started at 9 in the evening, it was a big round room with nets as windows, we each got a plastic chair, yoga mat and a bucket. The 3 shamans were sitting behind a table facing the door, many more family members were spread around the room. During the ceremony they would all be drumming and chanting whilst moving through the room. We were given half a cup of Ayahuasca and drank it in one go, after which everyone was supposed to keep their eyes closed and try to mostly sit in order to avoid getting sleepy. Singing and rhythmic music started and continued throughout most of the time, with regular short breaks of silence. No one talked and we were encouraged to keep as silent as possible, which turned out to not be possible later on. Our only interactions with the people should be asking for help when going to the bathrooms, which turned out not to be necessary for us.
Jannes’ trip #
The first hour was by far the most intense in terms of headspace, relatively soon I had an almost instantaneous liftoff, faint images of moving slowly through a space full of lights that seemed like stars. The drumming felt like it activated the imagery in my head, soon I also felt a sense of turning and an onset of slight nausea. I was not able to let go of the growing discomfort and could not resist to ground myself a few times by opening my eyes. Physically it quickly felt like a battle, I was resisting the turning in my stomach, my general fear of vomiting was present throughout and I did not overcome it. The images in my head were shifting more towards figures, it became more of a tribal setting within a jungle and silhouettes of people surrounding me. The music was mixing with sounds of big insects, something like a dragonfly, flying around my head and had clear feelings of movement all around me, although directly behind me was the wall. Sometimes I saw a pair of arms made out of light reaching out to me as if to encourage me to let go and vomit. At that point I also got more and more a sense of disappointment that I was not able to delve deeper and that my physical discomfort and senses were grounding me too much.
After the first hour, imagery in my head subsided along with the sound hallucinations. This coincided with the moment when we were all asked whether we would like to drink some more of the Ayahuasca, which I declined because of my general physical discomfort. It was probably the wrong choice as it would have helped to purge earlier. This is what happened to others, soon utterly disturbing noises of vomiting could be heard and if hadn’t been aware of the whole setting, it would have really scared me. The sound of gaping and choking irritated me, the music could not cover the noises completely and I got pulled back even more into my own nausea. Sometime around this point I had a few vomit impulses that resulted in just some choking and no resolution to my discomfort. For that I would have to wait until the end and even later in the night. The remainder of the trip I shifted between focused listening to the drums and voices and some introspective moments, while my turning stomach was always present in the background. I do not remember ever getting drawn to the topics I had set as intent earlier, the most intense moment I had was a sad one that made me cry for a while, but these were not new, groundbreaking impressions.
Shortly before the ceremony ended I finally vomited, but I did not feel a real sense of liberation afterwards, I knew it could have not been the end of it. As the last song stopped, we were encouraged to make it to our rooms to rest in bed and try to sleep. I needed help walking back and before even making it too my room it was my turn to disturb the others’ attempts at sleeping. Inside the room I needed another while to fully get it all out, after which I finally could sink into the comfort of my bed. Sleep however, was not in the cards, only by daylight and after a visit to the toilet I managed to get an hour or two of actual sleep. The next day everyone was looking quite beaten up, some of the other also did not feel like they slept at all. At breakfast there was a good mood though, everyone shared part of their experiences and some hilarious moments made everyone burst into laughter. Later we all went to a village a bit up the river where I had a refreshing swim in a lake. Everyone shared a similar feeling of not “breaking through” the first night, so the others who were going to do a second ceremony were determined to reach deeper this time (and start with a full cup of Ayahuasca right from the beginning). The two guys we kept in touch with confirmed to us that they managed to achieve a significantly more intense trip that allowed them to reach deep inside and confront the things they had planned, in other words they had a “breakthrough” experience that second night.
Concluding thoughts #
Overall, it was an interesting experience, but the price, both monetary but even more the physical strain, felt too much for what I was able to get out. Shiwen and I still wonder whether a full cup from the start would have changed it and enabled us to break through. It may as well would have made me vomit earlier and enable me to let go more after that. I do feel like for people with sensitive stomachs like me, it could just be that Ayahuasca is not a good match. As of now, my motivation to ever try again is close to zero, but I would not discourage anyone to try it either.